Monday, 30 August 2010

58, Piranha 3D

I am going to lay this out straight from the start. This move is a gore fuelled blood fest with more focus on the tits than the teeth so pay attention.

So, first up is the "Teeth": Since Jaws there has not really been any good scary fish films, Deep Blue Sea came close and the easily forgotten Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus was total pants so it was refreshing to see an old school, gory horror film with a proper 18 cert hit the big screen and early on you realise that this has been made with one aim, to show horrific death on a scale not seen since early "Saw" or "Hostel" films.

And its great!!

Definitely not for the squeamish, its amazing how many ways the movie makers found to skin and mutilate a human including the poor girl who's hair gets caught up in an outboard prop, ripping her face off to the young player who loses the lower half of his body, including his manhood which end up floating towards you in full 3D, slightly odd but got a few laughs. There are a few deaths throughout but it really kicks off at the end where the last 30 minutes are full of Piranha's amassing on the party beach and a massacre on a level I have not seen EVER!.

Secondly, the "tits": sorry to say this but this films is definitely meant for the blokes. There is more gratuitous sex and nudity than anything I have seen in years and the Kelly Brook / Riley Steele synchronised underwater scene is definitely a high point of pointless full nudity. Wet T-Shirt contests, silicone implants being gnawed on and the aforementioned penis floating up to you in 3D are some of the funnier moments and we get everything from tequila body shots to dismembered parascenders to keep you entertained.

There is no real plot and there are as many famous faces are there are one-liners including Ving Rhames, Richard Dreyfuss, Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell, Christopher Lloyd & Kelly Brook.

I believe a brief paragraph on Kelly Brook is required. Hailing from the same school my wife currently works at our "local girl" looks totally fab in this but cant act. Bless her though, she does go full nude and dies marvellously but with her wooden English accent and the acting prowess of my dead hamster it all seemed a bit too much for her however with two more movie releases set for 2010 releases I hope she gets better, quickly.

There's not much else to say - Its Jaws meets Porkies with extra blood and sex added for good measure. Don't go if blood makes you queasy. It wont be your thing. More people die in mass than in the entire Rambo saga (maybe a slight exaggeration) but they do is spectacularly and the 3d is awesome from start to finish - except the penis bit!! that's slightly disturbing.

This is the first of a string of "Adult" 3D movies including "Resident Evil" and "Saw 3D" and if they pull it off half as good as Piranha did then we are all in for movie treats after treats!

See this can hold down your lunch!