Saturday, 16 February 2013

238, Movie 43

When Hollywood decides to get together every few years and throw every current A-lister into a no brainer movie the results have quite acceptable so, with this the most recent incarnation of literally everyone seemingly popping up in the trailer - including some of my own cinematic favourites my anticipation levels were more than  high. 

What a mistake.

I am confident that if most of the cast saw the result of what they signed up too each one would have moved heaven and earth to have their lawyers cut out their scenes.  Apparently, shot over a number of years to capture as many starlets as they could, this movie is a culmination of everything that's wrong with today's cinema.

Lets start with the plot - well, believe it or not there actually is one.  Two mates decide to set up one of their younger brothers when he hijacks their you-tube video, making them believe they have millions of hits - for revenge, they decide to riddle his laptop with viruses, something he would hate and to do so, lure him away by making up a story that there is a movie on-line that if ever watched, would kill you! 

So - what else is there to do but track down this imagined piece of film by hacking some of the darkest depths of the Internet and on the way - discovering a number of supposedly banned videos - starring our normally credible stars.

To be fair - my explanation is already far more exciting than the movie itself so its only right you get a feel for whats in store should you decide not to spend you re hard earned cash going to see this.

Firstly, lets start with the back-story - both mates and the younger brother are probably - the most annoying threesome you would ever care to come across but that's nothing to the catastrophe that follows.

This entire movie is split into 12 Segments or 'videos' discovered by our hackers, each with a different Director and each more ghastly than the last. 

Although I'm not a fan of this movie - part of me is compelled to want to write about each individual segment as they all feel like mini movies, obviously helped by a different Director for all as mentioned above however if I did - we'd be here all week and this movie really doesn't warrant the blog space but for the sake of opinion - at least allow me to elaborate on a few.

The first and most notable is a dinner date between Hugh Jackman & Kate Winslett which all seems to be going along peachy until he unleashes a set of perfectly formed neck testicles!  After that - its Winsletts reactions and Jackmans accidental 'dipping' incidents that get the giggles.  Then you have Johnny Knoxville and Sean William Scott beating the hell out of Gerard Butler (an Irish Leprechaun) to get his pot of gold.

As things progress we have Richard Gere with a full size, nude iBabe music centre, resembling a sex doll that no one perceives as poorly marketed except the only female executive on the board and then there is extremely awkward segment including Chloe Grace Moretz and Kick-Ass colleague Christopher Mintz-Plasse in a scene where she gets her first period on her boyfriends couch, resulting in the audience feeling more disturbed than amused with the outcome.

There are many many more but as I said - its not worth it.  If you're that interested you will see this in bargain bins across the land within 6 months and if you have a spare £1.99, knock yourself out.